Waiting in Doubt

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Driving for hours on end with two kids trapped in the backseat isn’t what most parents would call “fun” let alone a good idea. That’s exactly what we did. No DVD player, no headphones and a thirty-minute ration of “tech time” a day allowed our kids the opportunity to experience boredom. I didn’t realize I needed the break from distractions more than them.

The smorgasbord board of behavior that ensued included it all (from parents and children alike): Arguing, whining, complaining, observing, creating, reading, listening, talking… Isn’t that what happens to us between point A and B?

We followed the small nudge God gave us  and piled into the car, but trust, obedience or willingness don’t guarantee immediate answers, directions or resolutions. Sometimes during those long hours between friends and family my heart questioned our actions. I doubted God would answer our simple prayer “Show us where you want us to live” because I’m still waiting for answers to so many other prayers.

Like any relationship, not all conflicts end in perfect resolutions and God and I have a thirty-five year history.  I see His hand of protection and guidance, sometimes I resent the messes free will allowed me to make. Law upon law against free will would be instated if the government had a say. But God is not the government and for every scar I see purpose, protection, provision.

The crooked nose reminds me of His protection from a collision that should have cost my life. Innocence lost to abuse led to forgiveness and awareness of my own shortcomings in difficult times. The untimely death of my dad leads to gratitude for my living loves.

Scenery blurred past for hours as we passed through Nevada, Oregon, Idaho, Washington and back town to California’s Central Valley and gave my soul ample time to wonder with God and my family: Are you really moving us? Where? Why? HOW?

Friends and family gave input as we ventured and I was able to address the feeling and seed of doubt: We’re crazy. We don’t always have the luxury of witnessing results, but graciously God provided three families each held a story of faithful following similar to ours.

Our days on the road, of visiting with friends, family and acquaintances were coming to an end and I though encouraged I was still doubtful . As we crossed the California/Oregon border headed home I asked my husband, “What do you think?”

God gave us minds to sort, reason and understand and utilize in making decisions. We weighed family, culture, values, geography, topography, weather, economy, employment and politics of the states we journeyed through and one kept coming to the top of the list.

Doubt was hit head-on by an answered humble prayer. Have you experienced that? Have you stepped out in faith feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable wondering if God really sees or really cares only to be overwhelmed by how much He does?

A bit of shame flooded my eyes but was overcome by gratitude.

My God cares about me.

We didn’t know when to move or how God would pull things together but our small step in faith answered where to start and peace poured over my heart.

 

Maybe you’ve forgotten because life is smothering you right now, but though it all God is with YOU. When you feel alone, because that feeling is real, He is there. It’s okay to doubt, question and wonder, but no matter how it seems on the outside, He is with you.

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