- If you’re conversing in low voices or trying to have a private conversation, I’ll turn my music up or focus my attention to my work 200%.
- If you’re speaking loudly or using large gestures, you’re now a public spectacle and have opened your conversation to the world. I’ll listen guilt free.
While writing last night I was continuously distracted by a couple out on their first date and felt inclined to periodically check-in on the progress of their date. First dates are fun to watch and it made me grateful I’m not out searching for the one. All the telltale signs were there:
Looking their best.
Communicating in over-confident, tones and words to demonstrate strength.
Laughing when conversation became awkward.
I’ve noticed the more baggage people have references are used to feel the other out: “My ex”, “My kids”, “When I got divorced”… that’s exactly what caught my attention and made me shift to some brainless updating so I could hear the date being broadcasted to the audience in the coffee shop. Pretty sure everyone present would be able to tell you the movie they were going to watch at 10:20 PM and the restaurant they were intending on going to…it was that loud. With people like this, who needs reality shows?
The man in his early forties, noted by the passé goatee and scruff from his youth he’s clinging to, began to speak of how his ex-wife changed after they began a family ultimately destroying their marriage. What surprised me most were the many wise, though often confused, words that came from the man. Paraphrasing him, “She clearly had postpartum depression but wouldn’t listen to me. She wouldn’t go to a doctor. She was crazy and we argued constantly.” His son, now five years old, never experienced a home with a father and mother because after a matter of months the marriage shattered and they divorced.
When neither could see straight (because who can when sleep is a mirage and hormones make it unclear if you’re talking with Jekyll or Hyde) they split and went separate ways.
And that’s when many throw in the towel.
It’s hard to stick together during the grueling times if you haven’t committed fully to the family team.
Just a smidge of self-protection, making sure you get what’s fair (whatever that means) or your needs are met (whatever that means), when there’s too much of you your world will unravel. And that’s what’s happening to families every. single. day.
Left in the wake are innocent children desperately longing to have the Harry Potter experience of being protected by the unwavering love of two parents. But most parents these days haven’t moved beyond the selfish ways of children themselves.
They haven’t found a way to play fairly, to share, to compromise. Parents are too busy tending their childhood wounds to make the biggest difference their life could ever make: Raising a godly, heart-healthy world changer.
Parents are lured to divorce by a false sense that everything will be easier and go better if s/he were out of the picture. It’s partly true. My divorce was prior to having kids, but it’s true, life is easier when you don’t have constant battles to fight to get your own way.
All these years later, I clearly see it wasn’t just my ex-husband that caused our marriage to fail. Selfishness courses deep in my heart and can completely engulf me. Too often, I desire my own way, winning and being right more than protecting my husband’s heart.
The poison is in each of our hearts, our bent towards destructive ways, doesn’t change with a new relationship; it simply can’t remedy the state of our hearts. It’s more likely we’ll overdose on self because the more we can serve ourselves, the less sacrifice we need to live life out.
But like most traumatic events, people will focus on the alleged good that will come from a decision, “Kids shouldn’t see us always arguing, they should be in a happy environment.” Never mind the weight of the baggage divorce brings and the ripple effect when children are involved.
What the world doesn’t broadcast is the marriages can heal. Here is the opportunity for a live demonstration showing kids how to problem solve and love others.
The wonder of healing is available for your heart, for your marriage. It’s simple, free and will breathe life into every crevasse of your heart. If you’re upside-down in your marriage and feel backed into a corner will you stop and pray with me?
You can pray through this verse with your name, the name of your spouse, children…you get the idea. Pray it aloud if you can and steep in God’s goodness! And when you’re done, will you drop a line here periodically to share the healing God is doing in your life and marriage? Yes, I’m that confident in God!
Psalm 121: 1-8
I lift up my eyes to the mountain-
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of the heaven and earth.
He will not let ________’s foot slip-
He who watches over _________ will not slumber;
Indeed, he who watches over ___________
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over __________-
The LORD is ________’s shade at _________’s right hand;
The sun will not harm ________ by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep ________ from all harm-
He will watch over _________’s life;
The LORD will watch over
Your coming and going
Both now and forevermore. “
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