Pausing

Hindsight: This piece was written over six months ago….reading it was an affirmation that even something that seems cataclysmic in the moment will more than likely be forgotten…Whatever your holding onto, let it go, there is far too much of life’s adventure to capture!

Unexpectedly my husband informed me of a decision he had made that dramatically affected our family. The decision had been made; I had not been part of that process.

I reared up as we drove down the road, to church no less… I spewed criticisms and shamefully, religion down his throat; that manipulative religion that keeps people away from churches. Yup, that was it. Wide-eyed children in the back seat were a tangible and immediate reality check.

How could I even walk through the doors of a church? But I did and it was a good thing I did.

Hand-in-hand I walked our son to his worship room stopping short of the entrance. My heart was broken as I made eye contact with our sons big grey-blues. “Where does this stop? How many more generations will feel this way? Where is God’s love in this?” The questions kept pouring from my heart to my mind.

Down on one knee, sunglasses off, I reassured our precious boy of the love and promise mommy and daddy have. Confessing to a four year old? Yup.

“Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my frustration. I know I’m suppose to show love like Jesus, but a lot of time, when I’m hurt or frustrated, I don’t know how.”

Catching my breath I began discussing my lack of love with the Maker of love; calmness swept over me like a snuggly blanket all while an injury is being painfully tended to.  It’s just that. We’re broken people in need of a healer.  Brokenness causes hurt, retaliation, and defense of the almighty SELF…Fortunately, we have a Healer who is gentle, loving, tender, kind and has in immeasurable amount of patience.

Heart Check: Can you pause? DO you choose pause or indulge the almighty SELF?

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